courage

Not unlike most young boys I grew up idolizing heroes, namely super heroes. I grew up on a street that did not have many boys my age to play with and with a older brother in high school I was forced to make a decision; either humble myself and ask my sister who was close to my age to let me play with her and her friends or choose another hobby. I think it is obvious which I chose. I began reading comic books; all kinds, any thing I could get my hands on. From the greats like Spider-man or Batman, to the not so greats like Antman. So thus began my obsession with the super hero. I like the stories of these heroes because no matter how many bad buys or super villains they face and no matter of much power the villains had, the hero always made the right choice. Batman could not be swayed by Joker no matter how long he choice to monologue. In these stories and now in these movies it seems that the lines of right and wrong, justice and injustice where as clear as the wrinkles in my grand mothers face. I don’t remember at any time wondering if I would join the Joker’s plan to brain wash congress or stop him if I were batman. These heroes had unshakable courage in deciding what was right or wrong. In their eyes there was no gray, only black, white and maybe some blue and yellow for the costumes.
This has always frustrated me because it seems like that the line is never as visible as it was in the stories. That the courage it took to web-sling into a burning building is not the same courage that I will need to walk out my faith. I don’t think I will every be tempted with brain washing one or more members of congress. As black and white as theses stories can be it seems that my life is that gray. So where does courage fit in to my life? In the book of Deuteronomy, Moses narrates at the end of his life as he passes on to Joshua the duty of leading the people of Israel. He tells Joshua to be strong and of good courage, that the people will need him to be brave. It was in reading this that I understood that courage is not as irrelevant as I thought it was in the culture I live in, I thought that courage was only something told in stories. But as I read the scriptures I realize that courage is a very important part of my faith. I have begun to understand that courage is not the absence of fear but the heart to run toward those fears. Fear is a funny thing. It seems to never take a back seat or choose to sit quietly. It always has to be the center of attention. It must be heard and never ignored. You see the thing is, with fear it will either define you of drive you. You will be remembered as someone who never took the risk or that lived life by risk. No one wants to be the kid who climbed the diving board but was too scared to make the plunge; what most of us become is either the one chanting him on or booing him off. Fear will always be a nagging voice in your head, but its courage or lack there of that defines you. You either run from fear and in so doing give in to it or we run too it, throwing the “what if” factor in to the pool and embracing the “why not” factor. It takes courage to stand for injustice; it takes courage to speak out for morality and it takes courage to take the unpopular route and love like Christ. Like our heroes we too can make a difference in this world of beauty and darkness, if we only have the courage to do it. So whether when you get up you dress with a cap and knee high boots or just jeans and sneakers. What define you are not your fears, but your courage to fight those fears.

saints and monsters

I once heard a pastor talk about how much faith it takes to just believe in God, about how much science is out there that disproves there is a God. That we must have faith to face these lies and still believe. All though I understood where he was coming from, I'm not sure I believe that it takes much faith to believe in God. There have been many books written on how science proves the existence of an intelligent creator, people devote there life to this. Growing up I never found it hard to believe in God, even when I didn’t like him very much and it would have been much easier to just deny his existences, I never could. The fact that there was a God was as obvious as the fact that I had a mother. Believing in God was never a problem for me but believing that God cared for me took the majority of my life to just except to be true. It’s a very different thing to believe there is a God and believing that He loves you. For most of my life I could not imagine God even knowing my name never mind loving me enough to die for me, I guess I have also assumed I was grandfather into the whole salvation thing. That I was only able to see heaven not because of who I was or how much he loved but of what other people are and of how much he loved them. I could not understand why Christ would suffer on my behalf but I could see why he would for mother Teresa or guandi or Billy gram, I knew why he loved them how could you not love someone like mother Teresa and every thing she did. I never knew her but I think I would die so she would have the chance to save all the life’s she did. But why would God love me? If anything I’m not even a bug on the windshield of life, I’m three week old French fri under the passenger seat. This is just the way I thought, I built all these defenses around my self because of this way of thinking and with out knowing it this is the way I acted and treated most people. All this begin to change when I heard my brother say that God loves Hitler as mush as he loves Billy gram. I was very puzzled by this, how could God love that monster as much as he loved that saint, and if this is true where do I fit in with theses speakers of truth and killers of millions? Do I get a place in this? Or am I still sitting under the passenger seat waiting for the vacuum to suck me to oblivion? That night, the night I heard my brother say that I did something I had never dreamed I would ever do, something I had been terrified of. I ask God to show me he loved me, I ask that if what my brother said was true and if he really could love Hitler then he must be able to love me I need only introduce myself. As I laid down that night I remember thinking what if it’s true, what if god really does not care about me. When I woke up in the mourning I didn’t feel any more loved than I had the previous night. In fact nothing seemed to change I don’t know what I was expecting but I was still surprised when it look like I might get nothing. But that night I was reading on the beach and I watch the sun set, I remembered thinking that God must be an artist to paint something so beautiful. I ask myself why would God create something so beautiful I was soften that the beauty in heaven must be far greater than this so I don’t think he would do it for him self, then I heard something I have not heard since I was a child something that seemed to come from inside me, something I know now to be the voice of the holy spirit what I heard was him telling me that God painted this for me, that is why he put the stars in there place why he made the beach and the maintains too so you can see how much he loves you. You can see it in the beauty he gave you.
over the months that flowed I begin to believe what I heard that day, and not in a general since I begin to see it so very personally, that it was no longer about the ones who I thought deserved salvation but it was about me the one who didn’t, some how God stop being there savor and closet friend but he became my savor and closet friend. I don’t fully understand it myself all I know is that his love for me is bigger than any doubts I have in myself, and its stronger than any fear I may have of the darkness that lies inside of me, his love seems to drive it away seems to give me hope. What an amazingly disarming thing love can be, it can break the strongest and give the weakest confidence, and it can destroy or create. My prayer for you is the same as it was for me that night, that God would show that he loves you, that he would make it more obvious than you can stand, that just the hope of such a deep and profound love will drive you deeper towards, that it will take you home.